Reflections of a living God in a body

7 years ago I was single, I was happy, I was healthy.  I enjoyed my time alone, which now I realize that even while I appreciated it more than most single women, it was still sorely taken for granted.   Now I'm married with 3 children and find myself dealing with some form of a mid-life crisis, if that is still such a thing.  I'm having to relearn ways to find pleasure in my daily life and ensure my own happiness.  I'm learning as I go that I was bamboozled and possibly beguiled into a lifestyle that I may not have chosen for myself otherwise.  I find myself wondering if I'm living the dreams of others rather than my own.  I am living the life I planned for myself as a masterful alchemist in life force energy, however I find myself questioning if I truly chose the route that I wanted for myself.  Did I want this for myself or is it because I was trained to believe that these things were admirable?  I have so many accomplishments and great projects in motion, yet find myself at a standstill... wading in reflection.  In a sort of elusive trance state that no one else can recognize.  Who am I?  What is it that I want?  Why am I in my own way? Can I start over? Wondering... what would it be like, knowing what I know now, to go back to those moments of solitude... days of meditation and manifestation... what would I recreate or design differently? Where do I go from here, now that I'm here?  What do I manifest next?  Why do I feel trapped in my own design?

To be continued...

The Vaccine

 Heres the thing...

     The melanin recessive species are trying to survive.  The conundrum they have is that they can't survive without us yet we are a constant threat to their existence none the less.  There is no way around it... that rock and hard place.

When I think about what is going on with Covid and the Vaccine, it brings my mind back to I AM LEGEND.  That movie Will Smith Starred in.  I think about how COVID is killing off very specifically white males.   Then I think about how more and more blacks are being killed and going missing and now the VACCINE.  In the movie Will Smith had to sacrifice himself in order to save the white race.   He was the cure to save all those devils.  It kind of makes you think about Jesus doesn't it?  Most people don't realize that Jesus is a representation of us... Children of the Sun... God's children... God's Chosen... melanin dominant huemans.   Well you know... my name is Joanna (follower of Christ), but I'm not Jesus.  I will be one with Christ and bring God's kingdom on Earth, but I will not be Jesus.  I will not sacrifice myself and my children for these beasts.  Let them die.

Stop allowing these demons to trick you into being their food.  Stop letting them harvest our organs, steal our placenta... steal our blood... in their efforts to save themselves from what is naturally occurring through divine order.  Love you!  Love us! or if you must... die with them.

Over and Out.

Soujourner Truth Day

      Per our academic Calendar, in my home, we celebrate Soujourner Truth Day on June 1st.  This is the day Soujourner Truth changed her name from her slave name to Soujourner Truth.  A fitting name for a prophet, I think.  Soujourner Truth is one the of few black leaders we get to learn a little about in history books due to her aid in the Women's Civil Rights Movement.  You only have the privilege of learning about our great black leaders in public school, if they were able to benefit European American advancement in some way.  Its important for our children and those who still think like children to know this.  Soujourner Truth wasn't just a key element in the Women's Rights Movement, but she also was very significant in the Civil War.   This great woman helped to recruit black troops to the union army.  Yes, we were used in that Army for one white man's gain against another because many of us still believed in the decency of mankind.  It was easy to do, I'm sure, if you believed they were helping to fight for you freedom simply due to it being inhumane.  However, if those who were in and established the union Army could find more benefit in Slavery, it would not have been abolished.  It's very important to understand the nature of people and to learn from the triumphs and mistakes of our ancestors.

     My favorite thing to highlight about Soujourner Truth, is that she is the first Black Woman to Win a court case against a White Man.  What is sad is that she ever had to go to court in the first place to claim her own child from a slave owner.   I think Soujourner Truth is a great historical representative for us all to study and teach our children about.  Her triumphs as well as her mistakes.  

   Something that has brought to my attention by way of a dream is that black women have a unique ability to be oblivious to danger.  I think we, more than anyone, want to believe strongly in the good nature of mankind because all of mankind and humanity can be traced back to the original Black woman.  We must see and accept people for who they are and not who we want them to be.  We want to avoid hard truths.  We don't want to hear about how Sojourner Truth was molested, raped, her children taken from her and sold off.  How she was not allowed to marry the man she loved because it was not profitable for her owner.  How her children belonged to someone else and there wasn't anything she could do to protect them.  We must began to examine the actions and interpret the intentions of individuals who may hide and harbor love for immorality.  Nothing puts our children in more danger than our inability to see and act in face of danger.  Many of us fight against our nature to not trust certain people thinking that we are designed wrong.  Your enemies teach you and preach impartiality to keep you weak and oppressed.  

   A woman in a room full of men should feel uncomfortable, naturally, because there is a degree of danger there.  Black women should perceive danger when white men approach and there is not a black man around to protect her.  Even when not in direct danger, danger is present.  I'm not saying this as a means of saying that we should be walking around in fear.  I'm saying this because too many of us are walking around oblivious and putting ourselves, our children, and each other in danger.  Know without a shadow of a doubt who your friends are and even if you have no friends at all, where your allegiances should lie for your own safety and prolonged wellbeing physically, mentally, socially, economically, and spiritually.

Motherhood

 Something Amazing happened yesterday.  There was a moment where time was non existent and I was conscious of it, while operating in time.  Let me explain that...

https://youtu.be/-bHnzWOjh94

For the last few days, I've been increasingly aware of my inner little girl crying out, desiring a mother.  To be transparent, this past mother's day was extraordinarily difficult for me.  I think I finally came to terms with and accepted the reality that I have never been mothered, never been nurtured, never been taught by a woman how to be a woman.  I've never had a woman step in and mediate for me in any way during the course of my 33years of being on this planet.  THIRTY THREE YEARS!!!!   

   There's this longing, this yearning I've always had.  I thought I was longing for a family.  Then I thought I was longing for a man/husband.  I never wanted to admit to myself, that although my biological mother was present, I was always longing for a mother.  We protect our mothers.  We protect this image and even an idea of them irregardless of how evil they might be.  It's a survival mechanism.  At 33 years of age, I no longer need my mother in order to survive.  As soon as you get beyond allowing the woman who birthed you to keep you dependent on her, and you determine to thrive without her, that psychological need to protect any false ideas of her no longer exist.  You begin to recall all those buried memories of neglect, mistreatment, and abuse.  You can admit that you never had a mother, just someone you depended on for survival.  Thank God I survived.

    I know some people will be fortunate enough not to be able to relate to what I'm talking about and others will be less fortunate in that they have not broken free from their unhealthy dependencies.  However, I'm planting this seed anyway.

      So over the past few days I've been in an in between state.  Those gifted persons will understand what I mean.  For those who don't, let's just I was in a walking meditation.  During this time I was battling with demons/malevolent thoughts that have taken root in this childhood trauma of mines that stems from having a mother who doesn't love me.  This is a trauma that you cannot just meditate away.  There's not a big enough crystal, a powerful enough healer, not enough laying on of hands to remedy it.  The trauma of an unloving mother WILL be with you for at least 1 lifetime.  Even when the miracle of healing that trauma occurs, it will most certainly leave a scar.

    While I've been in this semi eternal state of mind-- my walking meditation, trying to deal with this trauma all while trying to be true to my own duties as a woman who is married with children,   I started to feel more an more connected to my daughter in a very eternal kind of way that I can only attempt at conveying with words.  

   This past year, I have not been able to mother my children as I planned before giving birth to them.  I've had to spend more time away from them to earn income this year due to many factors preventing my husband from adequately providing for his family.  We have all been suffering and struggling to adjust.  I've become acutely aware of my children's need for me as a mother at such tender ages (1, 3, & 5). 

So a magical moment happened.  On this day, I decided, as it was convenient to do so, that I was not going to work and I would get to at least for this one day enjoy doing the things I've have not been afforded the ability to do all year, and just be mom/caretaker/home maker.   There were some errands my husband had to be sent on, which made it more like what would have been our normal dynamic in the house.  I was able to address issues with my children that I've listened in on, but could not address directly-- personal lessons they needed to have.  My daughter was exceptionally responsive to the corrections in her behavior.  I could see the immediate "oh, this is what I was missing, ok, let me fix this in myself", followed by a bit of pride once she was able to straighten herself out -- just her personality--very upright.  This is all  just in the course of a morning with mommy, which we had not had in nearly a year.   Downtime yes, but not me putting in the work necessary in the AM which is where a lot of behavioral changes have to be addressed and the mood set for the day.  I just wasn't able to.   

    So the day goes on and her and I end up spending some alone time together outside in the garden, more teaching and sharing is happening, and she is sharp!  Sharper than my environment ever allowed me to be at her age.  She just filled my heart with so much pride on this day.  My cup was spilling over with joy and pride.  She eventually got tired and was ready to go inside so we parted for a short time.  Then she came back to the door and this is where that eternal moment happened.  She looked deep into my soul and she spoke to me and said "Mommy, I need you." I said "ok, what do you need me for baby?"  She said "I just need you in the house"

    In that moment, it was as if my own inner child was crying out and I was able to answer.  I immediately stopped what I was doing, and went in the house.  She didn't need to explain what she meant.  I knew deeply that feeling... that longing... I'd been feeling it for a LONG LONG time.  No one has been able to answer for me.  Somehow, as she went on about her usual dealings and ended up napping on the couch soon after, I realized this is how I heal.  I realized it would happen in this walking meditation, being there for her-- the literal mini me.

HERE IS A SPOKEN WORD VISUAL EXPERIENCE CREATED BY ME... CHECK IT OUT AND LEAVE A COMMENT

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ygoJkqX3G8

www.thebirthguru.org

Fear & Anger

      

The other day, my husband and I watched The Underground Railroad, a series that just released.  This is not a review, but rather a reflection that was inspired by watching such theatrics.  I took the day off and we watched the entire series before bedtime.  I have no regrets being that I'm some that appreciates theatre as a form of art moreso than for entertainment.  While many, who've attempted to watch, complained about it being another display of what is the new coined phrase "Black Trauma Porn", for the very first time, I can't disagree.  While I found "Them", another series often described as "Black Trauma Porn", to be very empowering and liberating psychologically, I cannot say the same for "The Underground Railroad".  This has a lot to do with who is writing and producing, as well as what their intentions are.  I can honestly say that "The Underground Railroad" is more of a continuation of triggering the mind by way of fight or flight while simultaneously encouraging a flight response.  "Keep Running Because You Can't Win" and other messages reaffirming lies of "White Superiority" & "White Dominance".

    It does, to my liking, shine light on the fact that many of us only overcome fear, when we are angry enough to no longer be afraid.  Righteous Indignation many times dissolves fear.  Unfortunately, without courage and critical thinking, this keeps us is a constant cycle of Fear & Anger, back and forth, without creating any substantial amount of change.  When you refuse to sit with your emotions and sit with your trauma, to fully understand it, to embrace it, you relinquish your control.  Too often, we are simply eager to return to any amount of peace, whether it is an illusion or not.  Peace is not the destination, but a symptom--an effect.  When you seek peace at all costs, you forfeit your freedom, forfeit your birthright, forfeit any REAL PEACE.  Peace cannot be had at any cost.  Peace is not something to grasp in your hands.  Peace comes from within.  Its the reward of the righteous for doing great work.  You can only have peace when you are in right standing with God-Allah-The Creator-Source of ALL LIFE.

Its Time to Bring About God's Kingdom on Earth.

Awe & Terror

 My eldest child is the strangest child I have ever encountered.  As someone who has been a nanny, tutor, taught in preschools, afterschool programs, and babysat as a teen... I've met many children.  I believe that he is purposely elusive as to remain a constant mystery.  It often frightens me.  I think of the day he was born.  I heard a voice that struck fear in my heart saying to me that he belonged to them and was not mines, reminding me of my fragile humanity.  I remember when I first laid eyes on him, fear rose in my heart, his eyes pure black and his head shaped like a God.  I was terrified.  I don't tell many how terrified I truly was in that initial moment of laying eyes on him.  I wasn't filled with love and affection, although that did come shortly after.  I remember the terror in my heart realizing that I was caring for him in my sleep and could not remember doing so.  I'd just find him on the bed next to me, full and content, although I'd last remember lying him in his crib.  I know now that this is not uncommon, since I had such a long labor, 24 hrs lasting through a night with no sleep.  However, in that moment, I was in awe and terrified.  I remember when his father finally arrived to hold him 5days later.  That is when I realized the child had a tone for me "Na" and a tone for him "Ga". I was in awe and terrified.   I've now come to accept that this what he brings to my life... this is how I will always feel when I think of him.  This is how I will always relate to him. In awe and terror.

Marcel-lei "Ra'El" Millere 

The Warrior

Born 2.11.16

Change Your Heart- (The Subconscious mind and its affect on habitual thought patterns affecting actions)

Since my pregnancy, Ive realized I've lost my filter when it comes to allowing my thoughts to become action and word.  You know some things should not be said or done even if you think them.  My husband has had to deal with this and last night I had an epiphany.  It occurred to me that I had said something to him that I've though but not said in prior relationships because of the damage it could cause as well as knowing that it was a response not based on facts as much as how I felt in that moment.  I said to him " You don't care about me, no one does".  Was this true? No.  Have I said worse things? yes.  So what made this statement so important?  Because I realized it was something that has been imbedded in my subconscious mind.

I used to think that thought don't matter much when you are emotional as long as you don't act on them.  Now I realize that all thought always matters.  In this way, the hormonal effects of pregnancy have been a blessing where I thought it was a curse.  Now I know for a fact that every thought, sound, ect effects the development of the unborn child. So I can understand that this is happening to make me consciously aware of what I am feeding my unborn.  It is easy to dismiss thoughts as irrelevant when you have the discipline not to act on them.  We are taught that that ability is applaudable.  However, that teaching is wrong.  It is time for us to evolve.  Time for me to evolve.

You think based on what is hidden in your heart/ subconscious.  It is a part of who you are  whether you act on those thoughts or not.  Some of us are taught that our thoughts come from places outside of us (ie. satan, god, angels, entities, other people around us).  Though what we perceive as thought can be derived from some of those sources, there is a difference and we should stop allowing these type of teachings to prevent us from taking responsibility for our thought habits and traumatic recoveries.

Your private thoughts are due to the conditioning of your heart.  Change your thoughts.  Change your life.