Awe & Terror

 My eldest child is the strangest child I have ever encountered.  As someone who has been a nanny, tutor, taught in preschools, afterschool programs, and babysat as a teen... I've met many children.  I believe that he is purposely elusive as to remain a constant mystery.  It often frightens me.  I think of the day he was born.  I heard a voice that struck fear in my heart saying to me that he belonged to them and was not mines, reminding me of my fragile humanity.  I remember when I first laid eyes on him, fear rose in my heart, his eyes pure black and his head shaped like a God.  I was terrified.  I don't tell many how terrified I truly was in that initial moment of laying eyes on him.  I wasn't filled with love and affection, although that did come shortly after.  I remember the terror in my heart realizing that I was caring for him in my sleep and could not remember doing so.  I'd just find him on the bed next to me, full and content, although I'd last remember lying him in his crib.  I know now that this is not uncommon, since I had such a long labor, 24 hrs lasting through a night with no sleep.  However, in that moment, I was in awe and terrified.  I remember when his father finally arrived to hold him 5days later.  That is when I realized the child had a tone for me "Na" and a tone for him "Ga". I was in awe and terrified.   I've now come to accept that this what he brings to my life... this is how I will always feel when I think of him.  This is how I will always relate to him. In awe and terror.

Marcel-lei "Ra'El" Millere 

The Warrior

Born 2.11.16